Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
