I hate your face
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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