he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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