Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
