You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
