everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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