Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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