I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
God, I missed his penis.
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