Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
