ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
