so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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