ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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