woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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