I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
