you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
