god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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