i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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