there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I party with great urgency now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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