WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
