My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
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