My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
