I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
