trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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