I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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