OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
