I just saw a hot homeless man
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
