She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
