shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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