Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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