I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
