My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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