MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
