2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
