im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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