dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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