shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Randomize
