he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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