I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
