I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
