Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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