just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
and you fell through a lawn chair
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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