Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
