please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
