This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
