I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize