matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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