How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
