I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
