No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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