I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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