I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
