You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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