Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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