I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Actions speak louder than pants.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
