i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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